Doubting my Salvation but I will NOT Give Up!

Submitted by anon posted by C Michael Patton. Thanks for your honesty.

This blog couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I have been dealing with doubt over my salvation for the past two years.

I grew up in a Christian home and went to church and a christian school. I accepted christ at a very young age, but reaccepted him at the age of 12. This was around a time that I first started to experience depression. I firmly had faith that God had plans for me and loved me. I made it through those years with the hope he gave me.

In my late teens (I am now 26) I went through a period were I chose sin over God. Since that time I had a miscarriage, when I got pregnant the second time I started experiencing weird physical problems. During these trying times I had no where to turn, but I didn’t feel as if I could talk to God since I had knowingly sinned against him. I begged him for forgiveness but still didn’t feel comfortable talking to him. After giving birth to my son I developed autoimmune arthritis. This time I needed him more than ever, but there has been no reassurance of his love for me.

I still have problems talking to God. I love Jesus, I love that he endured the cross for our salvation, I know we are only saved by his grace and not by anything we can possibly do. I know a lot of things with my head but I still can’t seem to get past this struggle of feeling like I am not saved. I have prayed many times that he would help me in this area. I have prayed that he would show me his love. I have to come to an understanding with myself that I will NOT give up. I will not turn away from the one true God no matter how frustrated or confused I am. I have hope that someday he will bring me peace in this area.
I suppose I may be struggling because of my past sins and don’t feel worthy even though I know no one is technically worthy. Yet I still struggle. I struggle daily with my sinful thoughts and my problems, and than think “how can I be saved when I am still struggling. Aren’t you supposed to change for the better once saved?”

I try reading the Bible only to feel worse afterwards. Instead of finding hope I find fear. I fear that I am a Judas or a King Saul. Those who knew God but obviously weren’t saved. They had the head knowledge.
I have questions that make me upset. If faith is a gift from God given by his mercy than does that mean that God is keeping unbelievers from becoming believers. Why show mercy to some by giving them faith and not others? Does that mean people don’t really have a choice?

Also why would God give someone faith and than take it away (as in someone who walks away from the faith and never returns) Does this mean they have lost their salvation or were never saved to begin with?
It is hard to feel love, peace, and hope when you aren’t even certain that you are saved. It is hard to love him in return when you feel afraid of Him.

Thank you for starting this post. It is comforting to know I am not the only one with these problems.
As I read in a previous blog, sometimes I fear I am going insane, as if I don’t have control over my emotions or fears.

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2 responses to “Doubting my Salvation but I will NOT Give Up!

  • Geoff

    Hello Anon,

    I have felt guilt and doubt in much the same way, but not all of my doubts have matched yours. I have wondered if I have committed the unpardonable sin of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. Since I was saved in highschool and left my faith to pursue sin and debauchery does Hebrews 6:4 apply to me? I know that God’s promises don’t depend on our finite human emotions and our lack of knowledge in the way God thinks. I have been convinced that satan does have the ability to put doubt into the mind of a believer, but that God’s Word illuminates that lie if we meditate on it morning and night. God has shown me that what He makes clean is clean. God had shown me that He casts my sin as far east is from the west and remembers them no more. God has shown me that He is a jealous God and that He will never let those who are His to slip through His fingers. God has shown me that there is no longer any condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. God had shown me that He is faithful and just to complete the work that He started in us. I am convinced that if you are concerned about your salvation that you have not had your conscience seared and have not lost your ability to be saved. If you surrender your whole heart and mind to Jesus and He is your God and you have called upon His name you shall be saved. God had shown me that we are being renewed day by day. It is a process. We see things as through a foggy window, but the closer we get to knowing Him through His Word, the clearer His love becomes to us. Rely on the promises that God has given to us. He promises that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. You have already confessed that you do. If you believe God’s Word to be true, then you are saved no matter what kind of feeling you have. God does not give us a spirit of fear. Jesus time after time told His disciples not to fear and not to let your heart be troubled. Feelings can deceive you, but God’s word transcends our feeling and it is a stable Rock to rest on.

  • Ellie

    I know how you feel and I struggle A LOT with this. As for being saved, you made the decision, you are already bought and paid for, and just the fact that you worry about it means that you Love the Lord and you chose Him. Dont let satan mess with your head!!! Cause He will.

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