I accepted the Lord at12. I was brought up in the Christian faith from birth but did not ask Jesus to be Lord until I was 12/13. I love the Lord and felt His presence in my life.
After the birth of my second child was the first time I experienced doubt. Probably brought on by post partum. I thought I was dying and prayed for healing. I did not see the changes I prayed for. The scriptures say “If you believe…”, and when I didn’t see the changes, I started questioning what “I believed”. It must be something with what I believed since I did not see the results I expected from my prayers, it must be my belief system. Through a word from God delivered to me through a trusted evangelist and lots of prayer, I got through it gradually about a year and a half to two years. I grew spiritual after that.
The second time I went through it was right before 9/11. I am not sure what brought it about. I know I was in the middle of depression again. I am not sure if it starts with the physical depression first that brings about the spiritual or the spiritual that brings on the physical depression. I learned a lot about physical depression during this time. This time lasted, I would guess, 1 year.
One day I decided I would choose to believe and that I needed to get busy doing what I knew needed to do, where God had me at that time in my life, to be a good wife and a mother. I grew spiritually more than ever. I love, loved, loved the word of God. God was very real in my life. I heard His voice and felt His presence and even began teaching the Word of God and on depression. I was asked to be the director of our Women’s ministry January 2010. I prayed about it and accepted and took the position in August.
Shortly after my first meeting as director, I remember very clearly, as you said you did, the first moment/thought of doubt this 3rd time I had. I was reading in Mathew of when they wanted to set guards in front of Jesus tomb so that His disciples would not come a steal his body, my immediate thought was, “Yes, what if they really stole His body?”. Shocked at where that thought could have come from, I shut my bible and put it out of my head and went on with my day. A couple of days later, I was in prayer for my teenage daughters attitude and remember asking God why He wasn’t answering my prayers. What was wrong with my heart that was hindering my prayers. God has always been so favorable to me. The next day I started crying over my daughters attitude. When I found it hard to stop crying, the questions of doubt/unbelief started coming back. I think of the scripture that says in the end, all that can be shaken, will be shaken. I felt like I was going through this shaking. Also it is as though the gospel didn’t make since to me anymore. The bible says the spirit testifies to our spirit of Him, I have felt the lose of that. Where I had great confidence now was replaced with fear. As if I know there is a God but didn’t believe Him.
I have felt as though I have grieved the Spirit with my thoughts of doubt/unbelief and God has removed His Spirit from me, I am spiritually dead. I went through many physical problems in the beginning, lack of sleep, loss of appetite, crying, feeling insane. It is the absence of peace, joy, hope, love, and confidence that has kept me where I am. Also, I do not notice the voice of God in my life anymore. It is difficult for me to read the Word (I still do read now and then though) it’s hard to listen to Christian music (I still do listen though). I see no favor in my life anymore. Like the man you mentioned during the meeting, I sometimes feel like I miss Jesus. I have not discussed all of this openly with more than 2 or 3 trusted friends.
Things are better for me physically now. It is easier for me to believe at night, for some reason, odd I know. I feel like I am always searching, always battling with myself – double minded. I feel quite hopeless at times. I quote scripture aloud. Talk to God constantly and feel I am waiting for a response.