I was so strong in my faith as a very young man. I believed, trusted, had faith or whatever terminology you would like to use. Christ was the central focus of my every thought. Then, after years of feeling a call to ministry, God opened a door for me to begin preaching and teaching youth. I was 20 years old at the time, and one day, out of no where, I began to question if I was really saved or not. So I went to the Lord and “nailed it down” (Asking Jesus to save me if I was not already saved). I have actually “nailed it down” many times. This lead to wondering then what is true faith? I picked apart the word faith instead of just stepping out and trusting Christ. But over the last ten years, I have wrestled with doubt about if I am really saved. Strange enough, I don’t doubt the validity of scripture at all, never have. My doubt is “can I truly be saved”? Do I really have faith in Christ or more recently am I able to have faith in Christ.
The most terrifying thing is that assurance is gone. I actually had to start adapting around it and just say that its too much for me to deal with anymore. I never walked away from faith or Christ, never denounced him, but I certainly shelved it and began just going through motions. I have read evey possible publication on doubt through the years and been to so many pastors and counselors and called every single radio ministry, been on every kind of depression and anxiety medicine imaginable, etc. But, nothing ever seemed to help. So, every few months since 2007 I would put it away for a little while, that is to say I can’t deal with another dead end, only to pick it up or re open the case again hoping this time would be different;But, to no avail. Each time, it gets worse. Now, over time, as with anything that goes on for a length of time, you become desensitized. I guess I have felt it would never go away.
I have not sought a new religion, I still don’t question the validity of scripture or the power of Christ, or any theological things. I never have. Now, I am at a place of this: is my doubt emotional, volitional, a combo of both. Am I choosing not to trust Christ and hence am destined to live in this torture forever? I told my wife recently that I just want faith in Christ. That is all I want. People say “then get saved or just believe”, I guess I am the current version of the man in Mark who said “I believe, help thou my unbelief”. Never until now have I seen a community online, or otherwise, that specializes in this. If this community had been present earlier, maybe I would not have gone now 10 years with this thorn in my flesh. I commend the writers, and participants of this website and I am just discovering it.
Finally, one thing is certain in the midst of of my uncertainty and that is that I will not shelve it this time. I can’t! I need to know. I need help. There is so much more I want to say of my story, but I don’t have time to do so today. But I look forward in joining this online community. Let me leave this advice for people who may be new to doubt or have not been there as long as I have: I have heard it all from the devil, I have believed a great deal of it. His ultimate goal is to rob us of joy and faith. I hope this will bring healing in my life! God bless!